Why everyone should be a foster parent.

First I Have to say that Heidi and I were pretty sure that foster parenting wasn't for us. Heidi was a substance abuse counselor for years and worked with lots of people who lost their children to the state. There was no way that we were going to deal with those kind of people in our private lives too. We are crazy enough people on our own, we don't need any extra drama in our lives.

We also were of the thought " I don't use drugs so any child I was able to create on my own would not be drug effected, why should I settle for adopting a drug effected child." or "Those kids have a ton of baggage that I don't want to deal with!" Or "They could have been sexually abused, I can't have them around my kids!" Or "Someone else would be better equipped to deal with them than I would." These are the kind of things I thought before we discovered what we have now learned.

Being a foster parent is hard work:

• It is unpredictable. 
• You don't have the luxury of controlling the things they have been taught
• They may be sexually reactive, even if no one knows that until you report it.
• They may horde food (cheese sticks that have been under a mattress for months are nasty!!!)
• They might not have good personal hygiene.
• They might have irrational fears (like: police, closets, or their own bed.)
• You will know more than the caseworker about these kids after one week in your home.

That being said it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life!

• You still get to teach them the things you would have taught them
• You get to help them find peace and overcome their past
• You get to be the people they trust to meet their needs.
• You get to help them care about themselves
• You get to share (and in some cases learn) the value of things like police officers.
• You get to know them for real and be an advocate for them.

Ok, even if you never, ever have a child come into your home from foster care, you can benefit from signing up to be a foster parent. You will attend 32 hrs of training, in which you learn more about child development, shepherding children along the desired path (instead of driving them with a cattle prod), and meeting their needs. This training is the school about how to raise kids that you never new about. We all talk about how kids don't come with a manual...this is it. Fabulous!!!

As if that weren't enough you get to continue getting training, in fact it is required. You get to keep learning how to be an even better parent. If you don't need classes in that, can you come teach some classes in that?

Once you do become a foster parent, you get to meet all kinds of other foster parents. people who are going through the exact same things you are. It is absolutely amazing to pick up the phone and call one of your friends to describe a crazy situation and have them absolutely understand. It's even better when they dealt with it last week and can tell you there experience about what worked, and what didn't.  Finally you have within your tools a great organization of therapists, and clinicians who can help you out...So even if you already have kids, this is a great way to become a better parent to them, and to broaden their experience and understanding.

The most important reason to become a foster parent though is because there are kids out there who need us. They need to know what it is like to live in a family that takes care of them. They need to feel love; real, heartfelt, honest love. We have that love in our hearts. It aches to send them home sometimes, but it only aches because they have been loved. Some day 20 years from now, they will be in a relationship with someone, trying to make a "family" work, and they will recall what it felt like to be in your home. They may not attribute it to you, they may not even remember that it was you, but they will remember what it feels like to have been really loved! In that instant you have not helped one child, but generations of children to come, because all of them will feel a portion of your love that has grown, with interest.

You see, we are all foster children. Our Heavenly Father has placed us in (foster) foster families so that we can learn, some good, some not as good...His love pours down on us every day. Should we not share that infinite love with our brothers and sisters, especially those who have not felt it because of circumstances beyond their control.

Leprosy of the soul

I don't really know where this is coming from, last night I was listening to a radio drama about the life of Christ and heard the story of the leper of Galilee. It hit me like a ton of bricks how this disease caused exile, it caused men to forsake their families, and all they had dear. This morning I couldn't shake the feeling so I wrote this:

Leprosy of the Soul

In ancient times there was a disease so awful, so contagious that mere contact with a person who had it could exile you from society. One touch could cause you to become untouchable, and for you to become a walking decaying scourge. The skin would begin to break down and even shed. Fingers and toes would decay, and sometimes be reduced in length as the disease progressed. Even in modern times there are two to three million people permanently disabled because of leprosy.

Such a scourge exists today. Pornography once experienced cannot be forgotten. It can be set aside, hidden, but it will forever be recorded in the annals of the mind. This makes pornography a pernicious foe. The adversary can with the slightest temptation, trick us into bringing those images to mind, and can ensnare us even when the object is no longer in our possession.  Not only is it a scourge, but once consumed pornography, becomes a battle which has to be won in the mind for the rest of time.

Pornography attacks the family at its core. Pornography mingles feelings of pleasure with guilt, and loathing. It masks the true purpose of that pleasure by minimizing spousal bonding. By experiencing the exhilaration and pleasure of sexuality with other “fictional” beings, pornography weakens the devotion and that sexuality should engender in our most sacred terrestrial relationship. If all of those things weren’t bad enough, it causes feelings of inadequacy, resentment, shame, betrayal, and impotence in a spouse. “If my spouse has to go somewhere else for that pleasure, does that mean I am not good enough?”  These feelings of inadequacy and shame engender anger, and can kill the seed of love. It is no surprise then that Satan has gone out of his way to make this scourge easily obtainable, making it available 24 hours a day in nearly every family in the world.

Like leprosy; exposure to pornography and its infection; is full of shame. In modern times it is common for those infected with leprosy to go undiagnosed, and as such have lasting effects even though positive treatment has been available for nearly three decades. People are afraid to admit leprous symptoms, or the full extent of their exposure because of the shame that even the name of leprosy invokes. In a similar manner, many of God’s children do not participate in the glorious powers of the atonement because of shame. They minimize their sin and in so doing take from Christ the sin that he has paid for already. For if the sin is “not really that bad” then his drops of blood already spilt are ineffectual. They are not willing to “lay it all on the altar” so that the atonement can work in their lives. Fear of the reaction of loved ones, or the shame felt in disappointing them drives the infection deeper within the soul where it festers until it seems there is no hope of return.

But there is hope! As Christ put forth his hand and cleansed the leper in Galilee, he can cleanse our lives (Matt 8:1-4).  “… And, behold, there came a leper and worshipped him, saying Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean. And Jesus put forth his hand and touched him, saying I will; be thou clean. And immediately his leprosy was cleansed…” We must lay our pride upon the altar, and cry out to him as did the leper “if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean!” We must forgo the strength that we possess, and hand our lives over to him. It is simple to write the words, yet difficult in practice. “For the natural man is an enemy to God…unless he submit to the enticing’s of the holy spirit…and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord…” (Mosiah 3:19.)  Leprosy is a disease that was “terminal” even though it was clearly known from the days of the Old Testament until the 1980s, and only then healed by the arm of the flesh. Yet Jesus healed it many times on two continents during his short 3 year ministry. The truth is, that if we do not repent, and lay our stained garments upon the altar for him to cleanse, then no amount of suffering we do in this life or the next will be able to bring us back to the warmth of family. There will be no “man made” cure in 2000 years. There will only be suffering without refuge or recompense (D&C 19:15-18). He who created this earth can cleanse us. He who healed so many can heal us. He who is our elder brother, and loves us beyond understanding, can save us from ourselves.  May we accept his sacrifice and when we see that we are whole, turn back and with a loud voice glorify God, giving thanks (Luke 12:11-19.)

I'm not sure why this should be here, it helped me t write it but I can't help but feel I need to not lose it, so here it is.

Don't let what you want now get in the way of what you want most!

A few weeks ago we had a lesson in our youth meeting about priorities. The discussion centered around our plans for the future both short term and long term. What are/should be our biggest goals. Appropriate goals could be around finishing High School, going to college, going on a mission, getting married in the temple, being parents, etc.

They key is should we allow what we want this second; an extra slice of pie, a ride on our bike with friends, or the way that certain someone makes us feel; keep us from the items in the bigger picture. One way to apply this logic is to have a daily reminder of what is most important. A mantra, a constitution, etc. that we can read or listen to every day that will remind us of what is most important. In concordance with that concept I will offer a brief constitution of my own.

I Timothy Paris Naylor in order to achieve my life's goals do ordain and establish this constitution.
Article 1 Family
The most important thing in my life is my wonderful wife Heidi. without her I cannot achieve the highest level of the celestial kingdom. Nothing I do should drive a wedge in our relationship and I should give significant preference to items which improve our relationship.
Number two is my children. I have been entrusted with their education and safety. I need to provide for them physically, emotionally, economically, and intellectually. When working with the children I should verify that they are safe, they have that which they need, and that they are learning how to be appropriate contributors to society.
Article 2 Religion
The Lord is my shepherd and I shall not want... He sees my life from a holistic standpoint. By being obedient to his commands and following his spirit I can take the path in my life which will guarantee my happiness and that of my family.
Article 3 Socio-economics
Finally I can best ensure my own happiness and the happiness of those around me by contributing to my society. This involves appropriate donations to charity, social awareness, and economics. Ideally my employment would be more than a service, but an activity that contributes a product to our society.

Like the US constitution, this is intended to be a working document with appropriate amendments over time. I commit to reading it every day this month of May.

Fishing with the Naylor Nine

It is April. Days are cold, nights are colder. What were we thinking when we promised to take the kids fishing.

First, only a few of us have rods, my rod got broken last fall, the 3 girls don't have rods...So, start with a trip to Wal-Mart. lots of explanations about what is the difference between the $60 rod and the $12 rod, and how "pink" was not a good reason for the former over the latter. Pick up some worms (mine are too precious to offer up to the fish gods). While we are spending more money than we have on fishing gear, why don't we get a few more camp chairs, some bike/skating helmets, food, and enough soda for a Hoard of Orcs (since that's what we are now) and suddenly the bill comes to $260.00. I thought we chose this because it was an inexpensive option for Spring Break.

We get every body ready in their warm clothes, and load up in two cars to drive up the canyon. As we slink up American Fork canyon after paying for our 3 day pass per car load we notice that the snow is getting deeper. At the turn off for Tibblefork it is almost 4 feet deep. then we come up over the final rise and sure enough the lake is no longer frozen, there are several people fishing and the snow runs right down near the water's edge.

We unload everything, make a run to the potty and then start down the ramp (Tibblefork is handicapped accessible) with our rolling cooler and a radio flyer wagon loaded with goodies and kiddies. We set everybody up with a bubble and a worm before realizing that we have to cast into the wind and if you really kill the cast, you can get it into 4 feet of water. At this point I am hoping the fish are coming up into the shallows for a bit of warm water but I'm not holding my breath. I set Emily up with a clear water filled bubble instead of the clip on ones that everyone else has. Pretty soon we have taken over 100 yards of the shore line, Brayden and Bella are in the water up to their knees looking at rocks, Taylor is yelling because his worm is too short, Kira is just sitting in the Mud...Why did we decide to do this again?

We spent a bit trying to get everyone's line in the water at the same time (no small feat might I add). I just cast out for the first time and hear a blood curdling scream from down the shore line. I am off like a shot running through the knee deep snow like a cheetah (with four broken legs and kidney stones) to discover that the emergency I am responding to is that fish are slimy and Emily doesn't want to touch it. Note to self: Explain why we try to be as quiet as possible while fishing. The culprit was a 13 inch rainbow trout which Emily decided not to kill while I was flailing through the snow. As soon as she got it in the water again, it got off the line and got away. I baited her hook again, and within 5 min she had a tiny 9 inch brown trout which she knocked out on a rock to make sure it did not get away while I was coming. Since it was now damaged we had to keep him, even though it was going to cost us more to heat the pan to cook him than he was going to provide in sustenance. She got 3 more to shore for a total of 5. After the first one she was able to keep though, we threw back the small ones, (at least we are learning) and ended up with 2 keepers. I had lots of bites and one pretty good one on but didn't get any to shore, Mom also had some good bites and Kira caught a fish every time she reeled in (of course that is because she had a rubber covered pink fish on the end of her line instead of bait).

We came home with our 2 fabulous fish. Emily and I cleaned them together and I fried them up in some butter and key lime seasoning (basically lemon pepper only with limes). Everyone had a piece and liked it except the 1 bone that Emily got (Sorry Em). All in all it was a great success. The kids begged us to take them again on Sunday, and we committed to go up the canyon and have a fire with some hot dogs and peep smores for family night on Monday. Guess I better start putting together a fireside talk.

Friends, I have more than I think

On FaceBook I put in a status message about a week ago:

Do any of us really know everybody on our friend list? Here is a task for you. I want all my fb friends to comment on this status about how you met me. After you comment, copy this to your status so I can do the same. You will be amazed at the results you get in 12 hours"

Cole Cooper commented on my status yesterday:

Cole wrote: "How can any forget the yellow house with the solar panels? This is funny I just looked through some old photos and saw you, Jim, Clover, Olsen, Ross, playing heavy heavy hang over at my bday party must have been 1 or 2 grade."

As I read it I thought how I had despised him for so many years because of the way that I perceived that he treated me. But as I think about it now I am disturbed to think who I was probably self deceived all of those years. I remember coming home in the 5th grade, lying on my bed and crying myself to sleep one afternoon. My dad came in and asked what was up and I told him how I had no friends and essentially how depressed I was. He asked me about the other boys in my primary class, and then about the guys in my school class. He related to me that when he was in school, there were people that knew him, that he did not even know. Whenever one of them would say "Hi Gary," he would think about how he had friends that he didn't even know he had. I remember thinking about that conversation many times in my high school years because someone knew me, that I didn't know, and how it helped me to realize I had more friends than I thought.

sustainable living = sustainable families

A return to sustainable living solves the problems now inherent in our throw away society. Once upon a time children woke up early in the morning to slop the pigs, and milk the cows, and feed the horses, et cetera. The value of these animals was ever present in their minds, because those kids new the flavor of the bacon that those pigs would make. They new the work that the horse helped them and their father do. And when the children did not do their part, they felt the hunger pangs that come from not having eggs from the chickens, or the calf that did not grow up into many meals.

Unfortunately in today's society, many of us A) do not produce things that impact our sustenance, and B) have no visibility into where those things come from and so do not value them appropriately. Our society has had so much affluence that even the poor among us do not connect our actions with our comfort and pleasure. Children today when asked where chicken comes from answer that it comes from Wal-Mart. Suddenly "chips" seem like "food" and obesity, laziness, and obstinacy ensue. When our efforts no longer are the source of our comfort, then we have no motivation to channel our efforts into positive, socially responsible endeavors; or even put forth efforts at all. In short, when we stop living sustainably, living stops bringing us happiness and we have to look for it somewhere else.

I propose that we must make a return to sustainability. We need to have gardens to remember what home grown tomatoes taste like. We need to see sun, soil, rain, and seeds become food on our tables. We need to remember how wonderful a home cooked meal is (and I am not talking papa murpheys take and bake pizza.) our children need to participate in these pursuits and take pride in "their pumpkins" or the huge zucchini that makes that fabulous bread. We need to connect with the source of our bounty, that we may give true thanks for all that we are blessed with.

The girls

A few weeks ago we got a call from DCFS asking us if we were interested in taking a sibling group of 3. Of course the answer was "No Way!!!" but then they sent us a picture (meanies!) A few days later we got a glorious report from their current foster mom. It was obvious that this was a biased account of their lives, but we were drawn in hook line and sinker. They just look like our kids!

on Friday the 18th we drove out to their current foster home. They were super cute, and asked lots of questions like "Can I have a cell phone?", "How many dogs do you have?", "Do you fly on planes?", "What are the rules in your house?", et cetera. It was fun but awkward at the same time. We sat on the couch, they sat on bar stools across the room. It was almost like that dating game, where you ask questions to each of the contestants..."Contestant number 2, what grade are you in?" After a couple of hours (much longer than we expected) and seeing their rooms (I am guessing they are not usually that clean, we will see). We departed.

Then Saturday we met them all at boondocks for the annual Heart Gallery activity. We played mini golf with 9 of us (Never let a ninesome out on the course, NEVER!!!) We played video games and won lots of tickets. We lost people only 3 or 4 times :-). We drove the go carts. It was really fun. and we got to see how the girls reacted in a more real situation, where we all had to compromise.

Today they came to live with us. We got them settled in their rooms. It does not seem like that big of an adjustment, but we will see over the coming weeks.

I have to say that this is not the path that I expected for my life. It is good that someone who knows more than me is driving, because I would not have gotten here on my own.